Posted by Glyn Wade
After a recent article about the roles of the club committee it was suggested that I do one on what jobs the committee members do in their real lives……yes we do have lives away from Willfield! So here, after much research, is that article, starting with me……
Secretary-I work as a moonlight shadow for a snowy owl called Fred. This explains why I am out at night of course but also means I have to bleach my hair so I can blend in where I join with Fred. It’s a difficult job but someone has to do it and Fred and I do get along. Of course it’s not easy being this height and having to be a shadow for a 28” owl but he does try to hang out in places which suit the arrangement. A full moon is a nightmare of course! Mike Oldfield was so impressed with my work that he wrote this song Moonlight Shadow. Fred is thinking of moving back to Canada where he belongs but a walrus has been in touch (which is more befitting of my current stature) and I hope to get a day job with him….although I’m not too keen on the whiskers…..
Chairperson-Claire, designer. Latest range includes a modern take on the chocolate fireguard. Common in households back when coal fires were all the rage (not the chocolate ones obviously) they are having something of a resurgence due to Health and Safety having apparently gone mad. Guards now have to be put up around anything with the potential to get hot so kettles now have to be walled in, ovens have to have their own suite at The Ritz and Chinese burns cannot be given without a briefing on the possible outcomes first from a representative from the Health and Safety Council.
Chocolate fireguards are used to protect children from themselves in case they got too hot while playing. They’re not very useful apparently. But taste nice.
Treasurer-Paula. Model. She won’t like me telling you this but Paula does some modelling. Here she is hard at work and in costume Paula working hard. If they need someone to stand in a doll’s house they call Paula, if they want an ipad to look like a 50” TV, they call Paula. And boy am I in trouble!!
Assistant Membership secretary-Tony. Tony works in the careers sector which involves him standing on street corners shouting ‘GET A JOB!’ at passing unemployed people. So far he has been very successful and filled most of the positions he has been asked to fill. Recently he was given a modern update and can now get a cat to repeat his words thanks to an app on his ipad. Thankfully he was spared the sack for his error in using the Potty Mouth Cat app instead of the Nice Cat one which he uses now. He did get punched though which he accepts is an occupational hazard.
Assistant Treasurer-Richard. Richard is a peripatetic pylon. If a pylon gets blown over or needs repairing they call Richard in to stand and hold the wires up. This gives him chance to think about his next presentation and he is allowed enough room to move to practice his little dances.
Of course his hair is died grey to blend in with the other pylons and is actually still jet black really. He was more than pleased when it was decided not to paint pylons green to blend in with the environment. If you Google ‘dancing pylons’ you probably won’t find anything. Yet.
Assistant Secretary-Phil. Phil transports pixies. If you’ve ever seen him out on a shoot you will notice his kitbag is quite large. This is because he is transporting pixies around, although he has been known to branch out to elves and fairies but draws the line at trolls as they are not properly toilet trained and he’s lost a couple of lenses that way.
Now you may wonder why pixies need transporting. Well, the pixies live for many years and the older members can’t get around as well as they used to and find public transport difficult to get onto unseen. Pixie cars are notoriously unsafe and have been known to metamorphosise into lemons which is not a good way of getting around.
So if you see anyone carrying an oversize bag around they will more than likely be carrying a pixie or two, and getting paid for it of course. (Don’t get Phil started on the fairy payments though as the exchange rate for fairy dust is terrible at the moment).
Assistant Chairperson-Yvonne. Yvonne works in catering with a hint of violence. This is a new government initiative to get kids to behave during their lunchtime and eat healthier food. So, while Yvonne serves food to unruly children, she has a scale for the amount of violence she is allowed to use relating to the degree of bad behaviour.
So far the worst punishment she has had to mete out was a slap in the face with a wet fish, which she performed with aplomb, being a Monty Python fan. She is hoping she can one day escalate the violence to the next level which includes hot pink custard, three prunes and a fish slice laced with olive oil.
Membership Secretary-John. John is retired and spends his spare time building igloos out of ice cubes. His attention to detail is such that he has been known to fool an Eskimo into thinking it was his own home. Quite what an Eskimo was doing wandering around John’s neck of the woods looking for his house has never been established but he has since been seen running naked up Sneyd hill looking for penguins.
John’s hobby has taken him to such far flung places as Meir and Normacot in his search for the perfect ice cube.